Lewd Food – Eat No Evil

Cheese Pie

Posted by Shawn Kocher on January 4, 2012 · 2 Comments 

If there was an Olympic event for putting cheese in, on, or around stuff, the USA would win every year, hands down.  The German hamburg steak, frankfurter, and brezel has become the cheeseburger, cheese dog, and cheesy pretzel, respectively.  Italians may have invented the cheese pizza, but we stuffed the crust.  French fries?  Try cheesy fries!  We invented cheese puffs, a cheesy food-like product that doubles as an orange finger dye.  We invented cheese whiz, a handheld cheese dispensary with an indefinite shelf life.  We also conceptualized the handi-snacks crackers and cheese, which is not only an excellent pairing with a light sauvignon blanc during a hot Summer’s picnic, but it’s also easily manipulated by a high-contrast red plastic rectangle.  It’s cheese meets geometry.  How can you go wrong?

We Americans even have our own cheese, rightfully named, over-processed, and individually wrapped in plastic, just like a significant portion of the people here.  American cheese, which I believe is some type of cheddar and colby blend, also has an indefinite shelf life.  It is so prized in this country that the government used to give it out to people on welfare.  Our most successful global restaurant, McDonald’s, uses a similar proprietary blend made from vegetable oil and an obnoxious yellow-orange food coloring.

Beyond the cheesesteaks and whizzes, we have the cheesecake.  A world-renowned dessert that is not a cake and barely a cheese.  It is made from cream cheese, which is high fat cheese that is fortified with cream, or more fat.  I have always wondered why cheesecakes are considered cakes when they contain little to no flour, an essential and primary ingredient in the pastry.  Even crab cakes have bread or cracker crumbs, so some flour is in there, making crab cakes more of a cake than cheesecake.  But, since cheesecake is to damn pretentious to consider itself what it really is, a pie, I’ll happily swoop right in there and steal the title.  Here is my contribution to the spread of American culture.  The Cheese Pie…
 

Cheese Pie

• 2 brie wedges
• 1 sheet puff pastry, halved
• 1/4 cup dried cranberries
• 1 tablespoon brandy
• 1 teaspoon white sugar
• 1/2 cup water
• 1/4 cup sliced almonds

NUTRITION INFORMATION

SERVINGS:  12