Lewd Food - Eat No Evil

Wild Sea Scallops with Lacinato Kale, Spelt Noodles, and Saffron Cream Sauce

Shawn Kocher — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 03:38:53 +0000

This dish was particularly fun to make as just about everything was assembled from scratch. Yeah, I suppose I could have busted out a long beard, tossed on some overalls and a stovepipe hat, and churned out my own butter. *pause for shudder* But, I did ground my own flour from local, organic spelt. Spelt, a member of the wheat family, has a nutty flavor and is packed with protein, B vitamins, and minerals. The process was totally worth it and, time permitting, I’m probably going to make my own pasta from here on out. It’s so easy, especially with my tricked-out vegetable juicing, meat grinding, food masticator, the Omega 8006. I use this sucker every other day for juicing, but this was my first time using it as a flour mill and pasta extruder, one right after the other.

I decided to go with a thicker noodle as the bran (or kernel) was still on the spelt and I didn’t want the pasta to fall apart. The trick to good pasta is to cover and chill your dough in the fridge for about 20 or 30 minutes before you begin to extrude it. If the dough is warm, it will melt and the pasta will not retain its shape. It it’s dry, it will fall apart. Another good thing about making fresh pasta is that if you don’t like the shape or the length, you can roll it back up and send it through again. It’s pretty forgiving, again, just don’t get let it get too dry or too warm.

The saffron was purchased on our recent trip to Turkey, so though it is not local, it was when I was there. That counts, right? I absolutely love these wild sea scallops. These “marshmallows of the sea” require just a bit of seasoning and a softly flavored sauce. You do not want to overpower the delicate flavor of the scallop. They might be pricey at the fish market, especially for wild caught which run about $32 for 20 large scallops, but compared to how much they are at restaurants ($12 for an appetizer containing 2 scallops), I consider them more than worth it.

Wild Sea Scallops with Lacinato Kale, Spelt Noodles, and Saffron Cream Sauce

1 pound wild large sea scallops (about 10)
10 tablespoons sweet butter (a stick and a quarter)
2 tablespoons olive oil
couple pinches of saffron
1 bunch laminate kale, cut to chiffonade
1 cup whole grain spelt flour
2 eggs, beaten
2 teaspoons kosher salt
2 cups dry white wine
1 cup half and half
salt and pepper

Start by making your pasta. Sift flour on to a large, clean counter or surface. Form into a shallow mound and then dig out a small volcano, just big enough to hold two beaten eggs. Pour in the eggs and a pinch of saffron (yep, saffron IN the noodle). Using your fingers begin to work a bit of flour, little by little, until the egg is completely incorporated into a thick dough. Wrap dough in plastic and refrigerate for 30 minutes. This is important. Do not try to extrude room temperature dough. I like to extrude my pasta moments before cooking, just so the pasta doesn’t have time to get warm and stick together.

The next step is even more important. DRY YOUR SCALLOPS!!! I mean really dry. Roll them in towels, hang them from a clothesline, or put them in a room full of fans. I don’t care just make sure that they are dry or they will not sear correctly. Season the scallops with salt and pepper on both sides.

In a deep sauté pan on medium-heat, melt 2 tablespoons of butter into 2 tablespoons of oil. Sear scallops on each side until they are just browned. Reserve scallops but keep them covered so they stay warm and moist.

Deglaze the pan with the white wine, ensuring all of the brown bits are scraped from the bottom. After the alcohol burns off (about a minute) add remaining butter and a pinch of saffron and cook until melted. Add the kale and cook until tender. Turn off heat and stir in the half and half. Keep warm while you are cooking your pasta.

Cook pasta in seasoned water until al dente. Toss pasta in your sauce and plate with scallops.

Nutritional Information

Servings: 4

Food energy: 680kcal
Saturated fatty acids: 24.54g
Monounsaturated fatty acids: 15.49g
Polyunsaturated fatty acids: 2.82g
Total fat: 42.85g
Calories from fat: 385
Cholesterol: 229mg
Carbohydrate, by difference: 24.83g
Total dietary fiber: 2.39g
Protein: 22.86g
Total lipid (fat): 46.31g
Water: 325.68g
Ash: 6.62g
Total sugars: 1.35g
Calcium: 143mg
Iron: 2.57mg
Magnesium: 78mg
Phosphorus: 607mg
Potassium: 622mg
Sodium: 1694mg
Zinc: 2.59mg
Copper: 0.24mg
Manganese: 0.89mg
Selenium: 26.84μg
Vitamin C: 30.69mg
Thiamin: 0.13mg
Riboflavin: 0.31mg
Niacin: 2.50mg
Pantothenic acid: 0.96mg
Vitamin B6: 0.32mg
Folate, total: 48μg
Folic acid: –
Food folate: 48μg
Folate: 48μg dietary folate equivalents
Vitamin B12: 2.11μg
Vitamin A: 5120IU
Vitamin A RAE: 540μg retinol activity equivalents
Retinol: 341μg
Vitamin E (alpha-tocopherol): 2.41mg
Vitamin K (phylloquinone): 213.16μg
Alpha-carotene: –
Beta-carotene: 2g
Beta-cryptoxanthin: 2μg
Lycopene: –
Lutein+zeazanthin: 10g
Percent refuse: –

Filed under: Lewd Food

Vote with your Dollars

Shawn Kocher — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 03:27:01 +0000

It’s 2012…another election year. That means another year of broken politics, mudslinging, and watching blithering rich people act like they know the best way to spend OUR money. All the while, they are blowing their own embezzlement funds traveling from town to town and speaking in front of people that they have already convinced to vote for them. A president will inevitably be voted into office, given fewer than four years to prove him or herself, fail to meet gaudy expectations, and ultimately be blamed for not fixing everything that WE have gotten ourselves into for the past several dozen years. We actually think that one person is going to swoop in and fix years and years of OUR collective mistakes in four measly years? Everybody loves to blame somebody and our president has become a scapegoat.

The president is not going to create jobs for everyone. He or she’s not going to sell our houses for us, buy us houses, guarantee retirements, or dig people out of their debt holes. When you think if it, the president is not really that powerful. In a Capitalistic economy, the dollar has the most power. Though voting for a president every four years is important and a responsibility for all adult Americans, the truth is that a better president probably won’t do much good if we don’t change how we vote every day, and sometime several times per day, with our dollars.

Every dollar that we spend is a vote for something. Think about that. Every dollar that we spend is enabling and disabling attributes of the evolution of our city, state, and nation. We are what we eat and we eat what we buy, so therefore we actually ARE what we buy. If that’s the case, then most of us are cheap, artificial, mass-produced, and foreign. Though our climate is one of the most diverse in the planet, capable of sustaining a vast array of vegetation and livestock, we import cheap foreign food faster than our FDA resources can even inspect it. It’s cheaper to recall a food than it is to inspect everything 100% for safety. The foods that we do produce we frequently choose not to process ourselves. We ship domestically caught shellfish overseas to be shucked and cleaned only to ship it back to the US. We import poor quality food that we can produce with high quality. We blame the president, CEOs, and lobbyists about our unemployment rate, but we have no problem in buying apples grown in China, likely processed by a 16 year-old that is finishing off a 12-hour shift. Our adults can’t find jobs, but their children are overworked. We voted for this because we refuse to pay a dollar more for local organic apples that are grown, picked, and processed by us. This couldn’t be because we are cheap, right? The irony is that we also vote for paying more for health care because of our poor diets, thousands more.

So, how are these other countries, CEOs, and wall street gurus becoming so rich and powerful? It’s because we voted for it. We are voting for them because we refuse to produce, process, and buy our own food. We are voting for companies like Monsanto to genetically modify our food. We are voting for suppliers to outsource our jobs when we are fully capable of shucking our own oysters. We are voting for our obesity, diabetes, heart disease, environmental devastation, child labor, animal cruelty, increased health care expenses, and, most importantly, bad tasting food!

The reason why we do this is because this food is cheaper. It’s as simple as that. The reason it is cheaper, aside from leveraging lax labor laws from other countries that are illegal here, is because of supply and demand. When millions of people vote for a certain kind of food, especially one that is marketed towards them because it is cheap to produce, the supply goes up and the price drops even further. The allure of rolling back prices keeps the customer coming back for a product that is increasing getting more mass-produced, more foreign, and even more toxic over time as pesticides and herbicides accumulate in the growing fields. Livestock is mutating, too. Though there is no evidence to support it, yet, I’m unlikely to believe that an animal that consumes genetically-modified materials will not become modified itself. We too eat these plants and livestock, so I wonder how we will evolve or mutate by eating chemically altered, lab-food. We voted for this.

So, while people are occupying public places and attending marathon music events in hopes of “making a difference,” I will be making sure that my votes go where they are making a true difference in my community. And, it won’t be to eight talking heads flapping about on a cheesy, over-produced, game show stage. It will not be to agribusinesses that dance around American labor laws by outsourcing food production overseas. It will not be to companies that drive quality down by marketing cheap, edible substances while hiding the true cost of food behind a smiley face and a low out-of-pocket price.

It will be to my neighbors, friends, and the local farmers that grow and raise my food and give my family a nutritious, sustainable, and most importantly, flavorful future. Please join me.

Filed under: Nude Food

Cheese Pie

Shawn Kocher — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 04:24:54 +0000

If there was an Olympic event for putting cheese in, on, or around stuff, the USA would win every year, hands down. The German hamburg steak, frankfurter, and brezel has become the cheeseburger, cheese dog, and cheesy pretzel, respectively. Italians may have invented the cheese pizza, but we stuffed the crust. French fries? Try cheesy fries! We invented cheese puffs, a cheesy food-like product that doubles as an orange finger dye. We invented cheese whiz, a handheld cheese dispensary with an indefinite shelf life. We also conceptualized the handi-snacks crackers and cheese, which is not only an excellent pairing with a light sauvignon blanc during a hot Summer’s picnic, but it’s also easily manipulated by a high-contrast red plastic rectangle. It’s cheese meets geometry. How can you go wrong?

We Americans even have our own cheese, rightfully named, over-processed, and individually wrapped in plastic, just like a significant portion of the people here. American cheese, which I believe is some type of cheddar and colby blend, also has an indefinite shelf life. It is so prized in this country that the government used to give it out to people on welfare. Our most successful global restaurant, McDonald’s, uses a similar proprietary blend made from vegetable oil and an obnoxious yellow-orange food coloring.

Beyond the cheesesteaks and whizzes, we have the cheesecake. A world-renowned dessert that is not a cake and barely a cheese. It is made from cream cheese, which is high fat cheese that is fortified with cream, or more fat. I have always wondered why cheesecakes are considered cakes when they contain little to no flour, an essential and primary ingredient in the pastry. Even crab cakes have bread or cracker crumbs, so some flour is in there, making crab cakes more of a cake than cheesecake. But, since cheesecake is to damn pretentious to consider itself what it really is, a pie, I’ll happily swoop right in there and steal the title. Here is my contribution to the spread of American culture. The Cheese Pie…

Cheese Pie

2 brie wedges
1 sheet puff pastry, halved
1/4 cup dried cranberries
1 tablespoon brandy
1 teaspoon white sugar
1/2 cup water
1/4 cup sliced almonds

Preheat oven to 400°. Add water to a small saucepan and heat on medium until it just begins to simmer. Add the sugar, brandy, and cranberries. Cook down until sugar dissolves and sauce thickens, about 5 minutes. Line a baking sheet with parchment paper. Place the puff pastry on both sides of the pan and center the brie wedges in the puff pastry. Fold the pastry around the brie wedge and trim off excess pastry. It should look a lot like a dutch clog. You want to leave an opening for the sauce. Bake for 15 to 20 minutes or until pastry has browned and cheese has melted. Garnish with cranberry brandy sauce and sliced almonds.

NUTRITION INFORMATION

SERVINGS: 12

Food energy: 271kcal
Saturated fatty acids: 8.20g
Monounsaturated fatty acids: 5.94g
Polyunsaturated fatty acids: 5.24g
Total fat: 19.38g
Calories from fat: 174
Cholesterol: 40mg
Carbohydrate, by difference: 11.06g
Total dietary fiber: 0.94g
Protein: 10.47g
Total lipid (fat): 20.44g
Water: 35.68g
Ash: 1.40g
Total sugars: 0.83g
Calcium: 84mg
Iron: 0.89mg
Magnesium: 19mg
Phosphorus: 101mg
Potassium: 100mg
Sodium: 304mg
Zinc: 1.16mg
Copper: 0.06mg
Manganese: 0.18mg
Selenium: 10.87μg
Vitamin C: 0.72mg
Thiamin: 0.10mg
Riboflavin: 0.29mg
Niacin: 1.07mg
Pantothenic acid: 0.29mg
Vitamin B6: 0.10mg
Folate, total: 38μg
Folic acid: 9μg
Food folate: 29μg
Folate: 45μg dietary folate equivalents
Vitamin B12: 0.66μg
Vitamin A: 287IU
Vitamin A RAE: 69μg retinol activity equivalents
Retinol: 69μg
Vitamin E (alpha-tocopherol): 0.89mg
Vitamin K (phylloquinone): 4.25μg
Alpha-carotene: –
Beta-carotene: 3μg
Beta-cryptoxanthin: –
Lycopene: –
Lutein+zeazanthin: 7μg
Percent refuse: –

Filed under: Lewd Food

Coffee-Braised Carnitas

Shawn Kocher — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 05:47:20 +0000

Burritos have come a long way since they illegally immigrated across the border back in the 1930s. Similar to most other instances of border-jumping and contrary to popular belief, the land of milk and honey turned out to be the land of milk shakes and high-fructose corn syrup. Instead of a new beginning burritos are now fat and commercialized. What was once a bit of meat or bean rolled in a flour or corn tortilla is now a 2 pound, 1300+ calorie, colon cleanse wrapped in aluminum foil. We want it bigger, faster, and cheaper…oh and healthy as a distant fourth. So, throw some lettuce shrapnel in there between those tanks of meat and cheese. Why is it that Americans have to put shreds of iceberg lettuce and diced tomatoes on everything? Is that Big Mac, chicken pot pie, or newborn-baby sized burrito automatically healthy because it has 1/16 oz of lettuce or 12 peas? It’s crap like this that classifies ketchup as a vegetable in school cafeterias. But, I digress. Whatever makes you feel good.

American burritos usually contain one or two types of meat, one or two types of beans, one or more types of salsa, shredded iceberg lettuce, loads of white cheddar-jack cheese, sour cream, and guacamole. Also, from my observations, it takes between 3 and 6 people to make one burrito, which is usually accomplished in under 1 minute. My favorite burrito has only four ingredients: pork shoulder, a bit of sour cream, fresh salad greens, and cilantro. It is made by one person and it takes approximately 8 hours. The flavor is in the spice blend and the slow braise in strong coffee.

So bust out your mortar and pestle and get ready for some bump and grind. I love using my mortar and pestle. It makes me feel like an medieval apothecary triturating some sinister poison. I like to keep my spices fresh and as whole as possible, waiting until the last possible second to masticate those little balls of powdery aroma. The same goes for your coffee. I am lucky enough to have both Urban Herbs and Penzeys within walking distance.

As I said, it’s all in the spice…

Coffee-Braised Carnitas

3 lbs. bone-in pork shoulder, trimmed
2 cups strong coffee, use double the recommended beans for brewing
1/4 cup light brown sugar
1 teaspoon chipotle chili powder
1 teaspoon ancho chili powder
2 teaspoons kosher salt
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground allspice
1/2 teaspoon ground cumin seed
1/2 teaspoon ground coriander seed

Assemble all ingredients in a mortar and pestle and ground until fine. Cut cleaned pork shoulder into large 2″ cubes and roll them in the spice blend. Place the seasoned meat in a slow cooker. Cook on high until the pork browns on one side. Add the coffee and remaining spice blend. Stir mixture and braise for 8 hours on low. Serve on a tortilla with fresh spring greens, cilantro, and a bit of sour cream.

Filed under: Lewd Food

Stuffed Acorn Squash

Shawn Kocher — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 02:14:55 +0000

Winter is just about upon us. The greens are wilting, the apples are falling from the trees, and the last of the jack o’lanterns has had his face eaten off by squirrels. Whatever has not been consumed will likely be frozen, canned, composted, or chucked in the neighbor’s lawn. The locavore season is officially over in the Midwest.

Sad, really.

Assuming you don’t hunt down some snow critters, it will be quite the challenge to find anything local to eat in the next few months. So, while I was dreaming of Spring berries and garlic scapes, I thought it might be best give thanks for what I have left and to fully adorn the last of my gourds. I have two local acorn squashes, two gold rush apples, and a handful of sage and parsley. Let’s get it on.

Stuffed Acorn Squash

1 pound chicken sausage, casings removed
2 acorn squash, halved and gutted
2 gold rush apples, peeled and roughly chopped
8 fresh sage leaves, chopped
1 tablespoon fresh flat-leaf parsley
1 clove of garlic, pressed and minced
3 tablespoons sweet butter
1 cup panko bread crumbs
1/4 cup parmesan-reggiano, shredded
1 egg, beaten
salt and pepper

Preheast oven to 400°. Arrange squash halves, skin side down, on a baking sheet. Season squash with salt and pepper and spoon about 1/2 tablespoon of butter into the cavity of each half. Roast squash for about 40 minutes.

While the squash is roasting, bust out a large pan. Melt one tablespoon of butter and briefly sauté the garlic. Add the sausage and cook until browned. Feel free to use more or less garlic depending on what type of sausage you are using. Move pan contents to a mixing bowl. Add the sage, parsley, bread crumbs, and apples and mix well. Add the egg, which should help to bind the ingredients together. Spoon the mixture generously into the squash cavity of each squash half. Sprinkle with shredded parmesan-reggiano. Bake for another 20 or 30 minutes. Garnish with fresh parsley.

NUTRITIONAL INFORMATION:

Servings: 4

Food energy: 655kcal
Saturated fatty acids: 13.72g
Monounsaturated fatty acids: 14.36g
Polyunsaturated fatty acids: 6.58g
Total fat: 34.66g
Calories from fat: 311
Cholesterol: 150mg
Carbohydrate, by difference: 50.60g
Total dietary fiber: 8.81g
Protein: 30.73g
Total lipid (fat): 37.90g
Water: 286.89g
Ash: 5.40g
Total sugars: 11.56g
Calcium: 264mg
Iron: 5.16mg
Magnesium: 101mg
Phosphorus: 314mg
Potassium: 877mg
Sodium: 1712mg
Zinc: 3.21mg
Copper: 0.32mg
Manganese: 0.72mg
Selenium: 30.20μg
Vitamin C: 18.77mg
Thiamin: 0.56mg
Riboflavin: 0.39mg
Niacin: 7.72mg
Pantothenic acid: 1.04mg
Vitamin B6: 0.70mg
Folate, total: 89μg
Folic acid: 22μg
Food folate: 67μg
Folate: 85μg dietary folate equivalents
Vitamin B12: 0.73μg
Vitamin A: 1114IU
Vitamin A RAE: 151μg retinol activity equivalents
Retinol: 115μg
Vitamin E (alpha-tocopherol): 1.26mg
Vitamin K (phylloquinone): 71.59μg
Alpha-carotene: –
Beta-carotene: 163μg
Beta-cryptoxanthin: 12μg
Lycopene: –
Lutein+zeazanthin: 160μg
Percent refuse: –

Filed under: Lewd Food

Pumpkin Pie Soup

Shawn Kocher — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 19:29:03 +0000

Thanksgiving is the day when we all get together with our loveliest loved ones around a large table to give thanks and praise for pie. That’s right, pie. That’s what it’s all about. The turkey and dressing, cranberry what-nots, and mashed potatoes and yammies are there for one reason and one reason only – to fill your fat ass up so that you don’t have room for the pumpkin pie. Then, while you’re rolling around on the floor, writhing in pain and watching the Detroit Lions get manhandled by whatever team they are playing, your precious mee-maw, nana, mimi, pee-pop, or pap-pap is secretly hoarding the pie until after you leave. Yeah, maybe big uncle Phil will get his sweaty, hairy knuckles on a slice or two. But, for the majority of us, the psychoactive drug tryptophan is enough to put us out for at least a few solid hours. This little bait and switch tactic has been employed by the Thanksgiving chef for centuries, usually to scam his or her “beloved” family members from getting to the real deal of the meal, the pumpking of the culinary castle, and the reason you put up with your family year after year, the pumpkin pie.

The origin of this swindle dates back to the Mayflower, when the pilgrims devised the first ever Native American screw-over. This is before the death of Tecumseh, before the Chickamauga Wars, before Manhattan island was sold for beads, and even before reservations and casinos. No, this was even more sinister. You see, the pilgrims knew that the Americans had pumpkins, and lots of them. They also knew that Chief Rolling Pin had a slamming crust recipe. Instead of being happy with their dry, crumbly tea biscuits, those European bastards devised a scheme to genetically breed turkeys to secrete tryptophan when scared. This drug, when mixed with gravy, has the stopping power of a 357 magnum. While the drug-induced natives slumbered, the pilgrims stole their pies, their land, and their freedom.

All history aside, I have my own trojan horse plan to circumvent all of my family’s shenanigans. I will eat the pie first by disguising it as a soup. Soups are always eaten first and no one will scold me for eating soup before a meal. Now no drugged-up turkeys, shrewd grannies, or native spirits will impede my ultimate goal, to seize me some pumpkin pie.

Pumpkin Pie Soup

1 long pie pumpkin, halved, deseeded, and pulp removed
2 small butternut squashes, halved, deseeded, and pulp removed
1/2 stick of sweet butter
1 quart of water
1/3 cup high quality dark amber maple syrup, with more for garnish
2 teaspoons dried sage
1/4 cup half and half
1/2 tsp kosher salt, more as needed
1/2 tsp cinnamon
dash of white sugar
2 tablespoons dark brown sugar

Preheat oven to 400°. Arrange pumpkin and squash halves on a baking tray, skin side down. In each of these pumpkin bowls, add 1 teaspoon of sweet butter and sprinkle on salt and brown sugar. Bake gourds for 45 minutes or until tender. Remove gourds from the oven and let cool. Spoon out the meaty gourdy goodness and place it into a medium pot. Add the water, sage, and cinnamon. Using an immersion blender, blend the mixture into a soft puree. Slowly heat the soup on medium until just simmering. Mix in the remaining butter, dash of white sugar, and maple syrup. Once butter is melted, turn off the heat and slowly stir in the half and half. Taste and add salt as necessary. Mix well and serve hot with a swirl of maple syrup and a dusting of cinnamon.

NUTRITIONAL INFORMATION

Servings: 5

Food energy: 217kcal
Saturated fatty acids: 6.89g
Monounsaturated fatty acids: 3.00g
Polyunsaturated fatty acids: 0.54g
Total fat: 10.43g
Calories from fat: 93
Cholesterol: 30mg
Carbohydrate, by difference: 30.50g
Total dietary fiber: 2.87g
Protein: 1.50g
Total lipid (fat): 11.21g
Water: 94.02g
Ash: 1.50g
Total sugars: 19.70g
Calcium: 87mg
Iron: 0.74mg
Magnesium: 31mg
Phosphorus: 42mg
Potassium: 316mg
Sodium: 451mg
Zinc: 0.53mg
Copper: 0.07mg
Manganese: 0.82mg
Selenium: 1.35μg
Vitamin C: 12.69mg
Thiamin: 0.09mg
Riboflavin: 0.31mg
Niacin: 0.90mg
Pantothenic acid: 0.38mg
Vitamin B6: 0.12mg
Folate, total: 17μg
Folic acid: –
Food folate: 17μg
Folate: 17μg dietary folate equivalents
Vitamin B12: 0.06μg
Vitamin A: 9943IU
Vitamin A RAE: 571μg retinol activity equivalents
Retinol: 88μg
Vitamin E (alpha-tocopherol): 1.39mg
Vitamin K (phylloquinone): 6.65μg
Alpha-carotene: 926μg
Beta-carotene: 4g
Beta-cryptoxanthin: 2g
Lycopene: –
Lutein+zeazanthin: 5μg
Percent refuse: –

Filed under: Lewd Food

Fish and Chips – Lake Erie Perch with Duck Fat Pomme Frites and Roasted Root Vegetables

Shawn Kocher — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 01:46:15 +0000

Fish and chips has been a staple English supper for centuries for its ease of preparation, savory flavor, and use of cheap and plentiful ingredients. So plentiful, I might add, that this dish was one of the few food items that were not rationed by the WWII British government. A pub without fish and chips is like a baseball game without a ten-dollar beer, a gangster movie without broken kneecaps, or a network television program without a terrible Old Navy commercial. The experience is just not complete. Use of any fish will do, but traditionally the Brits have used a white fish, such as cod or haddock, or bottom-feeders, like rays or skates. I would recommend the use of your local catch of the day, unless of course, it is too good of a fish to batter with cheap beer and deep fry. Being from the midwest’s northern shore, I am “blessed” with pretty much two edible local delicacies, the perch and the walleye.

Perch and walleye are very similar, both feed on the same prey (mostly minnows), both school, and both taste just about the same. The only truly identifiable difference is the size. Walleye usually grow much larger than perch. Perch, therefore, is my primary pick here. The smaller size of the perch makes it more of a finger food, and when accompanying fries, a glorified fish stick is exactly what you are after.

Speaking of fries, I like to make pomme frites with a mix of organic yukon golds and sweets fried in rendered duck fat with rosemary and garlic. I also like to accompany the dish with a mélange of roasted parsnips, radishes, and heirloom carrots and serve with homemade dijon tartar sauce. Peep dis…

Fish and Chips

2 pounds fresh perch filets
1 bottle lager
3/4 cup whole wheat flour
1/2 cup panko bread crumbs
2 eggs, beaten
1 tablespoon onion powder
1 tablespoon garlic powder
1/2 tablespoon paprika
1/8 teaspoon cayenne pepper
salt and pepper

Preheat oil to between 350° and 375°. The lower the temp, the softer the batter crust and the greasier the fish. The higher the temp, the crisper the fish. Your choice here. Start by lightly coating the fish with flour on all sides. In a mixing bowl, combine remaining flour, eggs, beer, seasonings, and salt and pepper. Dip filets, one at a time, into the batter. Shake off excess batter and dredge perch in panko crumbs. Deep fry for 3 to 5 minutes or until golden brown. Season as needed.

Dijon Tartar Sauce

1/2 cup mayonnaise
1/4 cup dijon mustard
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1 medium dill pickle, diced

Mix that stuff up.

Pomme Frites and Roasted Root Vegetables

2 large sweet potatoes
2 large yukon gold potatoes
6 radishes, julienned
2 large parsnips, julienned
6 small heirloom carrots, julienned
1 large vidalia onion, cut into wedges
2 cups rendered duck fat or frying oil
salt and pepper
1/4 cup extra virgin olive oil
6 cloves of garlic, pressed and chopped
6 large sprigs rosemary

Preheat oven to 400º. Place carrots, radishes, onion, and parsnips on a large baking sheet. Drizzle with oil and sporadically place herbs and garlic cloves. Season with salt and pepper and bake for 30 minutes or until carrots and parsnips are tender.

In a medium stock pot, heat rendered duck fat or oil to 325°. Fry potatoes for 3 to 4 minutes or until they just begin to cook. Remove with a metal strainer and set aside. Dry thoroughly with a paper towel. Increase oil temp to 375°. Fry potatoes again until the fries are completely cooked and crispy, about 5 minutes longer.

Plate everything together with a garnish sprig of rosemary.

NUTRITIONAL INFORMATION (PER SERVING):

Lake Erie Perch

SERVINGS: 4

Food energy: 430kcal
Saturated fatty acids: 1.58g
Monounsaturated fatty acids: 1.59g
Polyunsaturated fatty acids: 1.99g
Total fat: 5.17g
Calories from fat: 46
Cholesterol: 308mg
Carbohydrate, by difference: 32.89g
Total dietary fiber: 3.81g
Protein: 53.38g
Total lipid (fat): 6.18g
Water: 286.27g
Ash: 4.22g
Total sugars: 1.30g
Calcium: 242mg
Iron: 4.40mg
Magnesium: 118mg
Phosphorus: 641mg
Potassium: 846mg
Sodium: 285mg
Zinc: 3.85mg
Copper: 0.52mg
Manganese: 2.70mg
Selenium: 55.90μg
Vitamin C: 4.34mg
Thiamin: 0.44mg
Riboflavin: 0.48mg
Niacin: 6.05mg
Pantothenic acid: 2.43mg
Vitamin B6: 0.54mg
Folate, total: 55μg
Folic acid: 11μg
Food folate: 44μg
Folate: 63μg dietary folate equivalents
Vitamin B12: 4.62μg
Vitamin A: 662IU
Vitamin A RAE: 86μg retinol activity equivalents
Retinol: 65μg
Vitamin E (alpha-tocopherol): 1.21mg
Vitamin K (phylloquinone): 2.44μg
Alpha-carotene: 5μg
Beta-carotene: 235μg
Beta-cryptoxanthin: 58μg
Lycopene: –
Lutein+zeazanthin: 358μg
Percent refuse: –

Filed under: Lewd Food

Peking Duck

Shawn Kocher — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 02:12:48 +0000

Peking Duck has about a thousand different recipes and techniques, but one thing is always certain. At any Chinese restaurant, the Peking Duck requires a 24-hour notice. Really? A whole day? What could those people possibly be doing back there for 24 hours? Is there some funky religious ritual going on? Are they swimming around the pond out back to catch those little feathered bastards? Are they injecting some futuristic concoction into a chicken to make it taste like a duck? Though I may never know how the pros do it, I was curious how most home cooks accomplish the task, then do it myself in a fraction of the time.

So, my research has led to many strange techniques, all with the similar goal of tender meat and glorious crispy skin. Drying the duck appears to be the most frequent approach. I’ve seen people inflating their ducks with a bicycle pump, hoping to not only dry the duck but to disconnect the skin from the flesh and keep the moist meat moist and the dry skin dry. As fun as that sounds, I would be laughing too hard at myself to execute this approach correctly. Why not an air compressor?

The next fun challenge is the hanging of the duck. Because most normal people don’t typically have a meat closet in their house, I have seen people clear out their fridges and hang them from the top rack. Not a bad idea because it cools and dries, as long as you don’t care that the rest of your food is now spoiling on the counter. I’ve also seen people hang ducks from their shower rod with a fan running to dry it out. This approach both dries out the bird and contaminates it with bathroom bacteria. No thanks!

Then there is the ol’ beer-can-up-the-ass approach. As elegant as that sounds, it really doesn’t work. Though the meat will be tender and juicy, the skin is usually left soggy and drab. Plus only the water really evaporates and no significant beer flavor is imparted into the meat. You might as well drink the beer and use a can of water instead. Or, just pass on this entirely.

The last interesting attempt is the duck bath. Subjecting the duck to extreme hot then cold water temperatures should tighten up the skin, not only keeping it away from the meat but also constricting the pores and keeping it from absorbing moisture. This I’ll buy, but I’m not going to fully blanche my bird. I’m trying to keep it dry, remember?

No, I’m going to take a more hands-on approach to the actual cooking process and forego most of the pre-game festivities. My plan is to apply the following principles:

1. Dry and separated – Break down my bird first as to allow the convection heat of the oven to circulate each individual piece, keeping the skin dry. Also, paper towel drying the duck before roasting is a good method as well.

2. Blanche shower instead of bath - Do a quick hot water then cold shower on the skin only, not completely submerging the duck. This allows the skin to tighten without sogging the entire bird.

3. Cut the fat out - This not only gives you ample duck fat to render, but it also keeps the skin from being too moist and oily.

4. High heat finisher – the duck and cook it under high heat, ensuring the skin stays dry and crispy and the meat is tender.

5. Because the duck has already been broken down before cooking, you can cook each piece at different lengths. A wing takes about half the time to cook than a breast, for example, so pull it early.

6. Angle the roasting pan and suck on any reduced fat or juices that drip down to the bottom. I usually syringe it out every 20-30 minutes using a turkey baster.

Peking Duck

5 pound whole duck
2-3 tablespoons chinese five spice – cinnamon, clove, anise, fennel, Szechuan peppercorns
1 teaspoon ground garlic
1 teaspoon ground ginger
salt and pepper

See…very few ingredients.

Start by breaking down your duck into 9 pieces: 2 legs, 2 wings, 2 thighs, 2 breasts, and neck/innards. Save the neck/innards for stock, which you can make while your duck is roasting.

Trim all of the fat from the duck, reserving it to render later.

Preheat your oven to 325°. Mix all spices into a rub and begin to cover the duck pieces from head to toe, or…uh, beak to flipper. Arrange all pieces to one side of an extra-large roasting pan. Slightly elevate the side with the meat. You want the juices and fat renderings to fall to the other side for easy extraction.

Roast duck for 2-1/2 hours, extracting and reserving rendered fat from the pan every 20-30 minutes. I use a turkey baster for this process. Pull the meat pieces out as they cook. First wings (1 hour), then legs (1-1/2 hours), then thighs (2 hours), then breasts (2 1/2 hours). Skins may not be as crisp as you would like at this point, which is why I recommend an additional 15-20 minutes cooking everything together at 400°. Serve with stir-fried shiitake mushrooms and vegetables.

NUTRITIONAL INFORMATION (PER SERVING):

Servings: 4

Food energy: 1315kcal
Saturated fatty acids: 18.24g
Monounsaturated fatty acids: 32.22g
Polyunsaturated fatty acids: 12.53g
Total fat: 62.99g
Calories from fat: 566
Cholesterol: 646mg
Carbohydrate, by difference: 16.19g
Total dietary fiber: 8.68g
Protein: 153.33g
Total lipid (fat): 69.68g
Water: 347.11g
Ash: 7.19g
Total sugars: 0.63g
Calcium: 219mg
Iron: 14.10mg
Magnesium: 67mg
Phosphorus: 30mg
Potassium: 290mg
Sodium: 684mg
Zinc: 0.31mg
Copper: 0.09mg
Manganese: 7.67mg
Selenium: 125.51μg
Vitamin C: 28.72mg
Thiamin: 0.03mg
Riboflavin: 0.07mg
Niacin: 33.13mg
Pantothenic acid: 0.01mg
Vitamin B6: 0.16mg
Folate, total: 23μg
Folic acid: --
Food folate: 23μg
Folate: 23μg dietary folate equivalents
Vitamin B12: --
Vitamin A: 132IU
Vitamin A RAE: 6μg retinol activity equivalents
Retinol: --
Vitamin E (alpha-tocopherol): 2.14mg
Vitamin K (phylloquinone): 35.46μg
Alpha-carotene: --
Beta-carotene: 21μg
Beta-cryptoxanthin: 117μg
Lycopene: --
Lutein+zeazanthin: --
Percent refuse: --

Filed under: Lewd Food

Venison Stew

Shawn Kocher — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 20:56:35 +0000

I’m haaaawngry. It’s about time-a get out there ‘n shoot somethin’. Skeeter! Git’ yer gun! See him…I see him now! Steady…….hold it…..

….BANG!

Got him pa! I got eeem! Now, how we fixin’ to fix him for supper?!

Growing up in the midwest gave me ample opportunities to try fresh venison in many different ways. Deer burgers, steaks, and kabobs were always a seasonal treat. Hoping to “thin out the herd,” our community dedicated at least a week to running around in the woods and shooting stuff. I never had the heart to shoot anything nor did I want to know how to field dress, butt out, or remove the anal alimentary canal of anything. Just not my tea. However, I did always find it interesting how half of the hunters wore woodsy camouflage while the others wore fluorescent orange death row jumpsuits. Never made much sense to me. And, why the limit on tags? We want to thin the herd, but not too much as to disrupt the ecosystem? Why don’t we just farm deer, then? Are we afraid that people will stop hunting altogether? We can by fish anywhere and people still go out to the river for some fresh trout. Maybe we should start farming deer and let chickens run wild for a century or two. That would be something. Maybe they would evolve into a velociraptor like they did 80 million years ago.

Anyways, I do and always have enjoyed the taste of venison. The “too gamey” and “too earthy” people just never made sense to me either. You can technique the flavor out of anything, just ask the English. Apples or garlic are great when working with venison. I always use one or the other, sometimes both.

When I’m not lucky enough to get the back strap, or tenderloin, of this fabulous beast, my favorite application is a stew. Venison is very lean which makes stewing a good candidate to break down the meat fibers. I fortify my stew with a generous pool of syrah/shiraz and an abundance of local root vegetables.

Venison Stew

2 lbs venison steaks, cut into 1″ cubes
1/4 cup flour, for dusting
2 tablespoons olive oil
1-1/2 cups Syrah or Shiraz
2 cups brown stock
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
2 bay leaves
6 sprigs fresh thyme, destemmed
4 sprigs fresh oregano, destemmed
5 garlic cloves, pressed and minced
5 large collard green leaves, cut into thick ribbons (chiffonade)
3 carrots, julienned
6-8 small yukon gold potatoes, quartered
3 large shallots, sliced
1 tablespoon corn starch
1/4 cup water
salt and pepper

In a large sauté pan, heat oil on medium-high. Season venison cubes with salt and pepper and dust with flour. Sear venison on all sides until browned. It should only take about a minute per side. Transfer venison to a stock pot. Add the shallots cook for one minute. Add the garlic and good for another minute. Deglaze the pan with wine and scrape out all browned bits from the bottom. Transfer all ingredients into the stock pot. Add the stock, thyme, bay, oregano, and Worcestershire sauce. Stir well. Add the greens, potatoes, and carrots to the pot. Simmer, uncovered, for about an hour. Potatoes and carrots should be cooked through. Whisk together corn starch and water until all lumps are gone and a thickening agent is produced. Slowly mix into stew until desired consistency. Taste and season with salt and pepper as needed.

NUTRITIONAL INFORMATION (PER SERVING):

Servings: 6

Food energy: 557kcal
Saturated fatty acids: 1.77g
Monounsaturated fatty acids: 3.94g
Polyunsaturated fatty acids: 1.38g
Total fat: 7.09g
Calories from fat: 63
Cholesterol: 27mg
Carbohydrate, by difference: 74.82g
Total dietary fiber: 12.16g
Protein: 42.56g
Total lipid (fat): 9.47g
Water: 602.76g
Ash: 6.16g
Total sugars: 7.78g
Calcium: 140mg
Iron: 7.93mg
Magnesium: 99mg
Phosphorus: 294mg
Potassium: 1956mg
Sodium: 290mg
Zinc: 1.55mg
Copper: 0.55mg
Manganese: 0.86mg
Selenium: 3.80μg
Vitamin C: 89.52mg
Thiamin: 0.70mg
Riboflavin: 0.85mg
Niacin: 15.80mg
Pantothenic acid: 1.32mg
Vitamin B6: 0.98mg
Folate, total: 140μg
Folic acid: 7μg
Food folate: 133μg
Folate: 145μg dietary folate equivalents
Vitamin B12: --
Vitamin A: 11331IU
Vitamin A RAE: 564μg retinol activity equivalents
Retinol: --
Vitamin E (alpha-tocopherol): 1.86mg
Vitamin K (phylloquinone): 173.42μg
Alpha-carotene: 1g
Beta-carotene: 5g
Beta-cryptoxanthin: 24μg
Lycopene: --
Lutein+zeazanthin: 2g
Percent refuse: --

Filed under: Lewd Food

How to create jobs by eating differently

Shawn Kocher — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 00:07:34 +0000

Creating jobs has become a popular political debate in recent months. It’s no secret that more people working means more people buying, more tax money collected, and a stronger economy. The first step to fixing the problem is to define the problem. Lack of jobs is not a problem, but a bad economy is. Creating jobs is the solution to kick-start a struggling economy, not a problem to be solved. I’m sure we’d all love to get paid without having to work! That being said, how do we kick-start the solution of creating more jobs? Let’s start by sustaining our own existence.

We exist because we eat, so job creation could easily be supplemented by changing what we eat. One reason that commercial farming is so profitable is because the farming is mostly done by machine. Organic farms typically employ over double the employees that commercial farms do per square acre. According to the EPA, 960,000 people in the US currently describe themselves as farmers. Going all organic in the US would double that, creating one million jobs. Considering that 14 million people are currently out of work, we still have some work to do. But, that’s a pretty good start, isn’t it?

Organic farming also promotes local farming, as organic food is without preservatives and will not be able to travel 15,000 miles on a boat and truck before it gets to you. Food will be grown in America, by Americans, and shipped to Americans by Americans. It makes you feel pretty patriotic, doesn’t it? The United States has the climate to grow just about every type of fruit, vegetable, or livestock. Even tropical fruits can be cultivated in Hawaii.

According to the federal census, we imported over $9 billion worth of food in June of 2011. $9 billion! In one month! The yearly totals at that time were up almost $10 billion when compared to the same time frame in 2010. Growing all of our food domestically would allow us to give each unemployed citizen $692/person per month, indefinitely. That’s almost $1,400 per household of two adults or about $500 per month more than welfare for a family of four. Even if we didn’t create jobs for everyone, we at least saved enough money to bail out welfare indefinitely, pay back the Chinese (at least partially), or buy something “really nice” for ourselves.

Speaking of “really nice,” do you know what no imports on food gives us? For starters, it gives us a significant decrease in energy consumption, making for a greener planet, and decreasing our dependence on foreign oil. Damn, this just keeps getting better.

What else can we fix? How about Medicare? The reason why Medicare is such a drain on our economy is because we allow people to eat shit for their entire lives only to pay for their medical bills and expensive prescriptions when they ultimately come down with a diet-related medical condition. That five-dollar footlong or super-value meal might be a cheap lunch today, but it will likely cost you $100/month for Lipitor in the future. Paying more money now on fresher and better tasting food is much better than paying for it later in a chalky, foul-tasting, pill that will give you diarrhea, headaches, and impotency. Wouldn’t you agree?

Plus, you might actually feel better.

Filed under: Nude Food